Trials in our life

This is a hard post to write but since this is a family journal of sorts, I know that I must.
      Back in the beginning of February, I found out that I was pregnant.  This was something unexpected but expected at the same time.  By that I mean that we had been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half.  Unexpected because since it had been that long, I didn't think that it would happen.  So when it did, I was pretty excited, nervous, worried and all those emotions all packed into one.  It was funny because the day that I found out, Ben had said to me in a conversation that we had that he had been up all the previous night worrying that I was pregnant because I had told him that I was late.  I really didn't think anything about it but I am pretty regular so even one day was a sign.  I took a pregnancy test and sure enough it went positive pretty quickly.  Just to make sure, I went into the doctor's office to have them confirm it and it was confirmed. 
       Ben and I were pretty nervous because we didn't have health insurance and our home is pretty small so we started to worry right off that we would have to move and all that other stuff.  Within a day or so, we were telling the kids that we were going to have to move. This has been the plan for awhile but we haven't gotten serious about it. Jeremy got really curious as to why the sudden push to move and I just said we needed to and he kept pushing me so I told him why. He was pretty excited! He has wanted a baby sister for a long time.  We decided to keep things quiet until the end of the month because my niece was getting married in the beginning of March and we thought that would be a good time to tell everyone.
       Within a couple of weeks, I didn't feel good and was pretty tired.  Valentines day came around and Ben had made this Valentines card for me that he wanted to have Alex read to me.  It said that he (Ben) was excited to be a dad again.  It took a minute for Alex to realize what was going on but he was pretty excited.  Isaac didn't really get it at first.  I was nervous that Ben had told the boys but it was fun to share the news with them.  We told the boys to keep it a secret but Isaac being 4 doesn't really know how to keep secrets.  He told Grandma within a week or so and then we had a dinner with a lot of Ben's family and Isaac proceeded to tell everyone his secret.  So Ben's family knew.
       I had one doctor's appointment where they checked my blood and some other stuff and everything seemed fine.  They scheduled an appointment at about 7 weeks where the doctor would check the heartbeat.  I had barely told one of my sisters that day that I was pregnant because I wondered what she would think if I told everyone at my niece's wedding if my niece would feel like I was upstaging her wedding.  My sister wasn't sure but she thought I had better wait.
      We went into the doctor's appointment excited to hear the baby.  I had wanted to bring the kids but decided against it. The doctor went over some test results and said everything was fine. She proceeded to do the ultrasound and quickly things got somber.  She said that she couldn't find a heartbeat and that there should be a heartbeat at this stage. She said that this can happen where things just don't come together but that the body feels that it is pregnant.  All Ben and I could see was an empty sack.  And that is how I felt, empty.  All I could say was okay and okay.  I was numb.  I couldn't believe this was happening! After three healthy pregnancies and trying for over a year and then this.  The doctor let Ben and I have some time alone because she had advised us what we should do and gave us 3 options. She said that we could do a D & C, which is where they will surgically remove the fetus's remains, give me some pills to make my body contract and the remains will come out by themselves, or just let the fetus naturally abort.  I heard all those options and I just wanted to leave and run and hide.  I was in such shock and I was so embarrassed that I was 40 and thought that I could be pregnant!  I then just started crying.  I didn't know how I was going to tell the boys! 
      We left the office and headed home.  I had texted some people that knew about the pregnancy in our ward and also my sister in law Saundra, who I had seen over the weekend at an event she took me to.  They were all so sorry.  We called Ben's mom and she said she would come and get the boys later for me.  When we pulled up, the boys saw us and saw me and knew something was wrong.  We had them come inside and sit down. Isaac didn't really understand but Alex and Jeremy were crushed.  I could tell that Jeremy just wanted to cry but couldn't or didn't want me to see it so I had to tell him it was okay to cry and tears just started rolling down his cheek.  Alex just wondered if the doctor could be mistaken or if the baby could be just sleeping.  It just broke my heart! I had felt some of the same things! Couldn't this just be a mistake?!  Ben was so lost as to how to help me but he wanted to comfort me but it was so hard to find comfort.  He started calling people, doctors, friends who might know what to do.  That was his way to cope. I wanted and needed a blessing.  We don't have home teachers that come so he tried to go to the bishops' house and even the bishop wasn't home.  But one of his counselors was able to come over, Brother Clark.  Ben anointed me but felt that Brother Clark should give the blessing.  It was amazing and straight from Heavenly Father.  I had been feeling, as I have felt in the past with the other boys, that this baby was going to be a boy.  And I had felt at peace with it because even though I wanted a girl, I was just happy to be a pregnant again!  And during the blessing, it was confirmed to me by the spirit that it was indeed a boy!  Jeremy didn't want to be in the room because he was so upset and was in his room crying.  Earlier in the week, he had asked that if the baby was a boy, could we name him Brigham.  So after I had this blessing, I went to his room and told him what had happened and that we should name him Brigham.  He seemed at peace with this.
      Over the next day or so, I could tell that my body didn't know that the baby had died.  We also found out that the state, who was covering me for the first couple of months while we applied for Medicaid, wouldn't cover a D & C.  And since I knew my body may take weeks to abort the fetus, I decided to do the medicine. I took it at night and Ben's mom had taken the 2 youngest boys to sleep at her house.  Jeremy was home sick with strep throat and was throwing up.  It took all night of heavy cramping and finally bleeding.  The majority of the fetus passed that morning but over the next few days more passed and I bled for a good two weeks.
     This is nothing that I wish to repeat but I am grateful for this experience because many people have come forward to tell my their stories and provide comfort to me.  I have also seen what great love my husband has for me as he has tried to be there for me in whatever way I have needed.  We still feel like we want to try for another baby and we will leave it in the Lord's hands.  I know and am so grateful for the Lord's plan of salvation and that I know I can see this baby again one day.  That has brought great peace to me and to my family.